Trauma Bonding Recovery

To close out our series on trauma, let’s talk about trauma bonding recovery.

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

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Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds

 

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DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A DOCTOR, COUNSELOR, OR THERAPIST. THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION IS MERELY BASED OFF OF SCHOLARLY RESEARCH (LINKED), AS WELL AS PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, THAT I HAVE FOUND TO BE INFORMATIVE IN REGARDS TO TRAUMA. I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH ON THIS TOPIC. I RECOMMEND A CONSULTATION WITH YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU ARE SUFFERING THROUGH TRAUMA.

 

This series may also bring up traumatic experiences and/or responses. Although I am going to try to avoid using examples, I cannot assure you this will not be a trigger for some. It is your choice to continue reading.

 

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Okay, okay.

 

I know I said the trauma series was only going to be four parts, but I think it’s important that we discuss trauma bonding recovery.

 

So, bonus post: Breaking Free with Trauma Bonding Recovery

 

*If you think this post doesn’t directly apply to you, I still recommend you sticking around! You never know when something you learn can help someone close to you get out of their situation and become their best self! Knowledge is power and, as we know, you can never have too much!*

 

 

I’m not going to keep you too long today, but I can’t let trauma bonding go unrecognized, when giving information on trauma. Especially during the time we are in, and people being home 24/7, trauma bonding needs to be seen and known.

 

As more and more people are revealing, many wives, kids, and husbands are suffering with an abusive relative. There’s no safe place now, though. Kids don’t have school. Spouses don’t have jobs. Many families aren’t able to recognize abuse, and the ones that can, can’t always escape their abuser.

 

So, today, we’re going to look at how to break free, and recover from, trauma bonding. Seems easy enough, but it’s not so clear if you’re the one in the relationship.

 

As usual, we’re going to break this down into sections.

 

 

First, we’ll briefly get into what trauma bonding is.

 

Then, we’re going to see how these bonds can actually form.

 

Next, we’ll talk about signs to look for.

 

And, lastly, we’ll see ways to get out of these relationships.

 

Let’s get started!

Recovery from Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding defined

 

Let’s break up the term to understand the definition.

• ‘Bonding’, in terms of psychology, is a positive connection made between two people. By itself, this is a good thing, and normally shows healthy behavior patterns!
• ‘Trauma’, as we discussed in part one, is the outcome of a negative situation or circumstance that can cause mental, or physical, harm to an individual.
• When you put these two words together, getting ‘trauma bond’ or ‘trauma bonding’, the meaning of ‘trauma’ overtakes the positive form of ‘bonding’. Trauma bonding is when one becomes emotionally attached (some would say addicted) to a narcissistic individual.

 

As often compared to the Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding can be the outcome of any relationship where an abuser (mental or physical) is present. This means it could be between an employee and their boss, a parent and child, a husband and wife, siblings… you get the drift. Once again, trauma, in all forms, is vague. By being vague, we need to realize that there is no standard pattern to go off of when looking for, trying to leave, or growing from trauma bonds. With that being said, we are going to focus more so on intimate relationships as well as parent/child relationships. (These are the two types of relationships that have been seen as the most impacted within quarantine.)

 

• I also want to throw in some science I learned while researching trauma bonds: peptide addiction. We all know that I love learning how we work, so I found this information to be fascinating, honestly!

 

Peptide addiction refers to the over production of neuropeptides getting produced in your hypothalamus and then getting pushed out into your blood stream, which is received by the cells that make up your body. Once these cells get addicted to the peptides, we physiologically get addicted to needing more and more of these peptides.

 

In simpler terms, our ‘signaling’ molecules, made up of amino acids and used for our normal functions (neuropeptides), get over produced (due to us falling into survival mode, fear, trauma, shame, instability, etc.) in the part of our brain that controls our autonomic nervous system (hypothalamus), which controls our emotions.

 

The hypothalamus releases these neuropeptides into your bloodstream and your cells (what makes up your entire body) receive them. Since we have an influx of these peptides coming in hot as negative emotions, our cells become attached- needing their ‘fix’. (It sounds silly, but science, man.)

 

Our cells are actually so functional, they can store small parts of peptides and secrete them back into the bloodstream, sending them back to our brain. That, then, notifies the brain that the neuropeptides are lacking, and will send you thoughts and memories (emotional memories) connected to the emotions the neuropeptides were carrying.

 

So, this means, if you have a lot of these negative trauma peptides, your cells will crave them, and keep you in this fixed cycle until you can rewire your brain. (Which you can!! But, as all things self growth, it will take time and persistence! Remember, you owe it to yourself to put in the hard work and prioritize your well being and self growth!)

 

There you have it: trauma bonding in terms of science! #themoreyouknow

 

*REMEMBER, I AM NOT A THERAPIST. I HAVE PUT IN VALUABLE TIME RESEARCHING THESE TOPICS OVER AND OVER, BUT I NOT A CERTIFIED THERAPIST. IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS, I WILL BE GOING OVER how truama bonds can form and HOW I, PERSONALLY, would look for signs of trauma bonds, AS WELL AS HELP OTHERS notice them. I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO ALSO DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH AND/OR REACH OUT TO A THERAPIST OR PROFESSIONAL.*

 

How trauma bonds can form

 

Although we kind of covered this in the definition of a trauma bond, I want touch a little more on how a trauma bond can be formed. I know this is redundant, but I need y’all to know- anything with trauma is vague. There is no set age, sex, or circumstance that defines the cause of a trauma bond. But, there are a couple of ways someone could be more susceptible to forming this bond.

 

1. Child abuse

   • As talked about in the beginning of this trauma series, abuse as a child can lead to a significant amount of trauma, due to the brain still developing. During this time of life, abuse (mental, physical, and emotional) can lead a child to grow up connecting abuse with love. Meaning, what the average person sees as and knows is wrong, someone who was abused early in life can equate these things as the meaning and representation of love. If your parents neglected, abused, or talked down to you, but then reminded you how much they loved you (in any form), your brain would form these signs of abuse as ways to act/react in normal relationships.

 

2. History of abuse

• • Being a part of repetitive relationships that have been abusive can also lead someone to connect abuse with love. The narcissistic behavior is now seen as normal, rather than a red flag. Once these red flags become normal, that bond has most likely formed.

 

Signs of trauma bonding

 

 

When looking for signs of trauma bonding, it’s important to know that the co-dependant most likely understands that there is a change, but does not understand why it is happening. This leads to continuously reaching out to the narcissist for approval, love, and reassurance, which forms a stronger trauma bond. I only point this out to make it known that the victims in trauma bonds are not stupid for staying. I hear this so often, especially in domestic abuse situations.

 

“Well, they should have just left. If they were being abused so badly, or treated so badly, they should have left.”

 

First of all, it’s always easy to speak for situations you aren’t a part of and have never experienced.

 

Secondly, just no. They truly either don’t know how to leave, don’t understand why things are different, or are unknowingly and physiologically addicted to this behavior.

 

In true becoming the best self form, let’s list some signs to look for personally (if you think you may have formed/ may be forming trauma bonds), and then in others:

 

Personal signs to look for:

 

• Any form of abuse (mental, physical, emotional) can be a sign of a trauma bond.
• You feel powerless in your relationship.
• Within your relationship, you often question if you are in love with said person, but stay even if you are unsure of the answer.
• You are engaging in self destruction, in any form.
• There is a consistent pattern of you being let down with unkept promises.
• It has been suggested that you should leave the relationship (by people close to you- friends/family).
• You have found yourself justifying being abused.
• You were abused (mentally or physically) as a child, and you notice patterns of repeat behavior throughout other relationships in your life.
• You give drastically more than you get.
• You are lowering your standards over and over.
• Lastly, you connect certain terms of abuse with being loved.

 

Signs to look for in others:

 

I’m really only going to mention two, because they cover pretty much everything.

 

• If you notice justification of any abuse within a relationship, verbal, mental, or physical, this could be a sign they have developed a trauma bond.
• If someone close to you has a background of being abused, primarily child abuse, and you notice the same behavior in them now, this may be a sign that a trauma bond has been formed and they relate the abuse to love.

 

*Note that this is only something to point out and intervene with if you do it in a safe manner, and if you are specifically close to one, or both, parties in the relationship. Yes, I always want you to look out for others. But, do not get involved in something that could be harmful to you or anyone else. Also keep in mind that this is a very hard realization for a victim in a trauma bond and can be very dangerous if confronting the narcissist. Tread lightly and not just accusatory.

 

Starting trauma bond recovery

 

 

Another disclaimer: this is not going to be easy for anyone.

 

If you are trying to leave a toxic relationship that is held together by a trauma bond, know that it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. But, please, also know that it is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. You are worth the work this will take.

 

First and foremost, here are some hotline numbers:

• If you are in immediate danger, call 911, NOW.
• 1-800-799-7233 (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
• 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453 (National Dating Abuse Helpline)
• 1-800-656-4673 (National Sexual Assault Hotline)

 

There’s a post on Good Therapy that compares trauma bonds to a drug addiction, saying, “I liken it to a heroin addiction– the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then in sucks away your very soul.”

 

Here’s the thing, though. Just like with drug addictions, you can overcome a trauma bond!

 

We have to begin prioritizing ourselves at some point, and I beg you to start doing that now. If you are trying to leave this type of abusive relationship, but seems as though your world will end if you do- you most likely have formed a trauma bond with your partner.

 

Breaking free:

• Stop blaming yourself.
  • I mean this. It sounds obvious, but stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault that they were a narcissist. You don’t owe your abuser more of you. No, I need you to hear that: you don’t owe them more of you. Yes, maybe there are things you could have done differently, but the likelihood of the outcome changing is very low. Your abuser will never be anything other than your abuser.

 

• Break all forms of contact with your abuser.
  • This can be as simple as blocking their number or as extensive as having to change cell plans, get a new number, move, or even harder decisions. Your situation is not going to be the same as other’s so the way you have to handle things may also be different. But, the best way to overcome this situation is to start over. Block all social media accounts, delete all pictures and contacts you have for them, and live for not falling back into their trap.

 

• Live in reality.
  • You can ultimately only control the moment you are in. So, live in it. Live in what is currently happening. Don’t worry about what happened yesterday or what is going to happen tomorrow. Focus on real time.

 

• Know your emotions and feel your feelings.
  • This ties back into living in reality. You have to know how your feeling. Don’t go numb. If you are numb, make yourself start feeling again. (We talked about this in part 2 as well.) Also, remember that it is okay to grieve. You are allowed to be hurt and upset, but do not let this consume you. Recognize your feelings and then begin to work on how you are going to grow.

 

• Have a good support system and healthy connections.
  • Having a support system that supports you (duh) and your decision can really be the most important thing when it comes to getting out of a toxic relationship. Find your tribe of people you trust and know they want the best for you. Confide in them and let them support you.

 

How to support people trying to break a trauma bond:

 

I’m not going to put a list here. It’s not that hard.

 

Guys, just be supportive. If someone is trusting you, don’t betray that.

 

If you have the ability to help, then help. I’m not saying to let your life revolve around them, but at some point in your life, someone may need you to be there for them.

 

So, be there. However that comes and whatever that means, be there.

 

You may not be able to fulfill all their needs, but you can help them look for healthy connections that can!

 

You may not be able to stop their pain, but you can listen to them and then remind them how valuable they are.

 

Support, just like trauma, can be vague.

 

You’re allowed to show support however you see fit, but just be there.

 

 

Well, that’s all I have for today. I hope you were able to get something out of this post!

 

This may have been hard for you to read.

 

You may have been faced with some decisions that you need to make.

 

Or maybe, this is just new knowledge for your brain bank on a new topic.

 

Either way, I’m glad you are here.

 

Support your neighbor. We really do need each other.

 

If you need to talk, I am here for you. You can drop a comment below, email me, or DM me on Instagram!

 

Don’t forget to share this to your peeps if you got anything from it or think someone else could benefit from reading it! (Use any of the icons to get it done instantly!)

 

I love you. I am praying for you. I am sending you stellar vibes and lots of hugs (6ft away, of course). I hope you have a wonderful week and can’t wait to talk soon!

 

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

Leave that relationship.

Put yourself first.

Learn how to support people.

Because as we all know:

you are the most vital character in your story!

 

related articles:

What is trauma therapy?

How to grow from trauma

 

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.