How to Stop Self-Destructive Behavior in Others

 

Do you think that you might be enabling self-destructive behavior in someone close to you? It’s time to cut that out. Let’s learn how we can help our coworkers, friends, and family grow!

 

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

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How to Help Someone with Self-Destructive Behavior

PODCAST EPISODE AVAILABLE

 

To wrap up this series on self-sabotage, today we’re going to look at how to help someone with self destructive behavior. Often times, we are the ones enabling self-destructive behavior from our peers. When we do this, they lose their motivation to grow and divert away from self-sabotage.

 

We’re going to keep it short and sweet today. This will be our closeout article for this series! But, there are still some more self-sabotaging discussions we want to have. So, we will be touching back on this series in the future as well!

 

 

 (Oh, and- Make sure you become our email friend by clicking here. This way, you can stay up to date throughout this series. We’ll let you know each time a new post is up and give you even more tips than these posts provide. Also, you’ll get first dibs on our freebies and products.)

 

 

Self destruction comes from a variety of things. They may choose negative self-talk, alcohol, fear or failure or even severe drug abuse. Those are just a few, quick examples. But, my point is that we need to be paying attention to our friend’s and families lives.

 

We should always be encouraging the people closest to us to be better! Regardless of how big or small we deem their self-destructive problem to be, if we can help- we need to.

 

How to Help Someone with Self Destructive Behavior

 

Typically, no form of enabling is good. It’s nearly always associated with something negative.

 

I mean, you can enable people to reach their dreams… but that’s not usually how this term is used.

 

When you negatively enable someone, you not only allow them to continue hurting your success and happiness.

 

You also limit their ability of ever getting better.

 

In true Becoming the Best Self form, we want everyone to do just that: become their best self.  But, if we are enabling self-destructive behavior throughout those we are regularly involved with, we are helping them sabotage their lives.

 

Therefore, it’s important for us to, instead, step in and help them to stop the self destruction.

 

**We have to be careful, though.

 

Sometimes, we can begin sabotaging our own lives.

 

There’s a fine line we have to walk that floats on top of helping others, and investing too much energy into people that don’t want to change.

 

 

Here are 3 things not to do when trying to help someone with self destructive tendencies:

 

1. Don’t try to guilt them

 

Sometimes, our default is to do the whole, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t xyz.” But, that just doesn’t work.

 

This could actually do the exact opposite and cause the other person to become more self-destructive.

 

2. Don’t take it personal.

 

Listen, someone else being self destructive is not your fault.

 

As we’ve previously discussed, self-sabotaging behavior is due to trauma, mental illnesses, or just lack of self-confidence.

 

Regardless, it is not about you. This is about them.

 

3. Don’t become their therapist.

 

This is a job that you just, quite frankly, aren’t licensed to do and didn’t sign up for. (Unless you did… and well, you need to separate work and relationships.)

 

Friends aren’t made to be therapists. Yes, we’re made to support and listen. But, we’re not made to coach self-sabotagers through their problems and join the pity parties.

 

 

Here are 5 things to do when helping someone with self destructive behaviour:

 

1. Support them in getting the help they need.

 

Whether this means seeking a therapist or even medication, let them know that you are there for them.

 

Help them find resources to reach out to.

 

2. Actively avoid the self-destructive conversations.

 

You know when you’re in a conversation with someone that randomly talks about what they “don’t deserve”?

 

This is normally used as a way to justify self-isolation.

 

Here are some ways to change the conversation:

 

• “I don’t deserve good friends.”
  • You respond, “I enjoy having you around and think you do deserve good friends, regardless of what you think.”

 

• “I am annoying.”
  • You respond, “I find you very interesting.”

 

• “I’m so messed up.”
  • You respond, “You are not messed up. Life has happened to you and there’s work to do, but you are normal.”

 

3. Set boundaries.

 

Since it is not your job to be their therapist, it is your job to set boundaries.

 

Remember: you are who you surround yourself with.

 

If you let their self-destructive habits linger around you, you are bound to begin participating in them as well.

 

So, instead of just dealing with it, set boundaries on what you can handle and when you are able to handle it.

 

For example, if you are not in the right mental space to deal with a cycle of self-sabotage, don’t.

 

You don’t have to entertain this behavior.

 

4. Know your place.

 

Sometimes, it’s just not your place to try to change someone.

 

Not everyone wants to be better. And, if they don’t, you can’t help them.

 

Now, if they are close friends or family to you, I recommend talking with them about any ways you could help them. (I.e. finding therapists, meditations, accountability, etc.)

 

But, if these are casual friends or acquaintances, ask yourself if it is your place to discuss this with them.

 

5. Understand that you can leave.

 

Lastly, know that you don’t have to stay in any relationship (of any sort) that you don’t want to be a part of.

 

Meaning, if their self-destructiveness is not changing and it’s taking too much of a toll on you, you are allowed to leave.

 

You are allowed to stop enabling the ones you love. For two reasons:

 

1. Your mental health comes first. Always.
2. By not enabling, you can push them into getting the help they need. (Even if it’s not immediate.)

 

 

Stop self-sabotaging behaviour in it’s tracks.

 

Not everyone is a habitual self-sabotager. But, I do think most people sabotage some part of their life at least once before they die.

 

So, take it easy on others. You never know what they’re going through.

 

Our only goal here is to do our best to motivate them to grow and develop.

 

If you found this post beneficial, or think it could be beneficial to your friends or family, make sure you share it to your social media or through texts and emails.

I always love hearing from you, so don’t be afraid to drop a comment below, email me, or reach out to me on Instagram. (Oh! Also, don’t forget to check out our new Facebook page. That’s also a great way to stay up to date with our posts.)

We are so excited to have you working on your self-growth as we start tackling our self-sabotaging behavior to strive for our best selves.

 

Frequently Asked Questions:

 

Q: How do I know if my friend is self-sabotaging their life?

There are many different forms of self-sabotage. Here are some examples of what to look for.

 

Q: What do I do if they won’t let me help?

You let them be. Like I said earlier, it’s not your job to fix people that don’t want to be fixed.

 

Q: Why do we self-sabotage?

Great question. Check out this post explaining why we self-sabotage and how to stop.

 

Q: Am I self-sabotaging?

First of all, whether you are or aren’t kudos to you for asking. It takes a lot of guts to look in the mirror. If you want to dive deeper into this self discovery, read these three self-sabotaging signs to look for.

 

 

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

 

Stop enabling this behavior.

 

Set boundaries.

 

Don’t take things personal.

 

Because as we all know:

 

you are the most vital character in your story!

 

 

Related articles:

• What is self-sabotage

• HOW TO HELP

• Self-sabotaging signs to look for

• Examples of self-sabotaging behavior

 

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.

Do You Self-Sabotage?

If you aren’t succeeding, growing, or thriving like you think you should be, you are most likely the problem. Ask yourself: Do I self-sabotage?

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

___________________________________________________________

*This post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you purchase a product using my link, with no addition cost to you! I promise that Becoming the Best Self will never promote anything that has not been used, fully looked into, or that we do not fully support!*

 

Self Sabotage [Part 3]

PODCAST AVAILABLE

 

I want to start by letting you know that this post is a part of our series on self-sabotage.

Throughout the remainder of this month, we’re going to look at all things self-sabotage: what it is, how to stop, how it affects us and why we do it!

If you think you may be self-sabotaging your life, work, goals, or relationship(s), I promise you- you’re in the right place! 

(Make sure you become our email friend by clicking here. This way, you can stay up to date throughout this series. We’ll let you know each time a new post is up and give you even more tips than these posts provide. Also, you’ll get first dibs on our freebies and products!)

 

 

I know by now you’re probably wondering how (and why) we are going to talk about self-sabotage for an entire month. 

To answer why: Quite frankly, we think this is a tremendously important topic.

Sure, there’s a lot of various information out there. But we wanted to give you a single place (becoming the best self) where you could learn all about self-sabotage, recognize it, and grow from it.

And, we didn’t want to make each post 3,000+ words long. We know sometimes you need a quick fix, not an entire book. 

So, we took the liberty of breaking down (what were) our original few posts into shorter, more detailed posts! (Which answers how.)

This series is set up so that you can come to your exact question, or you can follow along in the order they’re posted. 

Since we have already explained what self-sabotage is, we don’t have to go into that definition again!

We’ve also already looked at 15 reasons why we self-sabotage.

By understanding the what and the why, we can begin focusing on recognizing it in our own lives.

Which leads us right into today’s topic:

 

Am I full of self-sabotage?

Now, we’re going to keep it short today. But, we are going to get real. 

First things first: If you aren’t succeeding, growing, or thriving like you think you should be, you are most likely the problem.

Sounds a little harsh? Good. 

You can’t even begin to fix your life until you recognize that you may be the one destroying it.

[Now, before we go any further, I do want to say that outside forces will obviously play a role in the outcome of your life. But, you are in charge of making sure you keep pushing through when life knocks you down.]

In our next post, we’re going to get into specific ways we self-sabotage. Today, I just want us to take the time to really look inward and see if we recognize signs of self-sabotage.

Now, for some people, they don’t have to even think about this question. You may say, “Yeah, I definitely self-destruct and sabotage my life.” If that’s you, go ahead and skip down to the last few paragraphs where we talk about how to stop these behaviors.

But, maybe you’re the opposite. Maybe the idea of ruining your own life is shocking. If that’s you, there are seemingly two options on the life you’re living:

1. You are absolutely in love with your life! You are successful (however you see fit) and are regularly pretty happy!
2. Or, you don’t know why you can’t get where you feel like you need to be.

If you are the first person, heck yeah! Congrats, and I’m so proud of you. But, stay with us and learn these behaviors so that you can continue avoiding them AND potentially help someone else work through them.

If you are the second person, it’s okay. You are why we are here! You are what this post is about. You are who we are going to focus on and ultimately strive to help.

 

How do I know if I am self-sabotaging?

Here’s the kicker- we all sabotage our lives differently and for different reasons. But, let’s go ahead and look at a few general ways we self-sabotage.

 

• “I don’t deserve (love, happiness, success, etc.)”

Okay, listen. Most of the time, the feeling of being undeserving comes from trauma. And, that trauma can be from a variety of things- your family, childhood, past relationships, etc. 

But, how you handle your trauma is up to you. 

I know that’s easy for me to type on a keyboard. I also know that growing from your trauma may be harder than reading a blog post. You may need to work through your trauma with a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. 

All of those options are perfectly fine and perfectly normal. As long as you are doing it in a healthy manner, it doesn’t matter how you go about dealing with your trauma.

You just have to make sure you do deal with it.

I also want to remind you that you are absolutely deserving of loving every bit of your life.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected. You deserve the promotions you’ve worked hard for. You deserve selfless love (from both yourself and a partner). You deserve the world. 

You deserve everything you want, when you work for it. 

So, I am encouraging you to stop saying you don’t deserve things, and start working to make sure you get them.

Work on your happiness. Even if it gets heavy, work on your relationship(s). When you find it hard to look in the mirror, prioritize working on your self-care to fall in love with yourself. 

If you are a ‘I don’t deserve-er’, just go ahead and stop that. Start working on where you want to be, because you DO deserve it

 

• “I’ll do it later”

Okay, procrastinator, I see you. 

If you are the one who leaves everything to be done at the very last minute, this section is for you.

You do not work best under pressure. You may think you do, because that’s the only option you’ve ever given yourself. I’m telling you, though, that you don’t.

So, STOP! Stop putting things off and do them when you know you first should.

I know this can be a hard habit to break. But, I’m here to say that even just the amount of stress that is released when you stop procrastinating is worth the amount of effort it is going to take to break this routine.

If you need help with staying productive, you can check out this productivity bundle that teaches you how to set and reach your goals. We also have a post on boosting your productivity if you want some quick tips.

 

• The substances

Before we go any further, let’s kinda define ‘substance abuse’. Substance abuse is when you are abusing… substances. Shocker, right?

But, here’s where most people get confused.

Substance abuse is not just overdosing on heroin on a Tuesday morning. It’s not getting plastered every night and losing your house. It’s not even just drunk driving and the shakes.

Sometimes, substance abuse can be having a few glasses of wine because you’re sad.

Rather than deal with your feelings, you just drink a little. Then, that becomes your routine. Just drink so you don’t focus on what you’re feeling. It’s easier, right?

Substance abuse may be having two or three beers a night because you’ve had a long day. (Not productive, just saying.)

It’s also getting blackout drunk because you can’t say no to the next free drink. Even if it’s just once a month, why?

Now, I’m not categorizing you as an alcoholic or an addict. What I am doing, though, is telling you that you are abusing alcohol if those are patterns that fit into your life.

Can you have a healthy drinking life? Absolutely some people can. But, others can’t. It’s not my job to tell you which one you fall under, but if you are abusing any substance, you are self-sabotaging.

(I see a whole post on alcoholism coming in the future…)

If it doesn’t add any benefit to your life, why are you doing it?

I know this whole part probably sounds like I’m preaching to stop drinking. And, I’m not. 

(I drink. Sometimes too much and when I know I shouldn’t. I honestly do recognize that there are times I have directly self-sabotaged my life as a consequence- and outcome- of drinking. As usual, I’m #workingonit)

But, I know my audience is roughly adults in their 20s or 30s. This is a taboo topic and I hate that it is. It needs to be talked about, so I wanted to add it here.

You may have no problem with substance abuse, and that’s wonderful! 

Or, you may. And, if you do, or think you do, reach out to me. I’m here. I’ll do my best to get you some of the best information, support, and contacts I can.

 

So, what now?

That got pretty heavy, huh? I told you we were going to get real today.

“Okay, Jess. I understand that I self-sabotage. So, what do I do now?”

At the beginning of this series, we talked about changing our mindset. 

Because that’s all self-sabotage really boils down to: where is your mind at?

Here are a few affirmations I want you to give yourself before we wrap up this post! Say them out loud, write them down, memorize them.

1. I will not sabotage my own success.

2. I will be successful.

3. I deserve happiness.

4. I will stop procrastinating.

5. I will work through my emotions and feelings.

 

(Also, we’ll VERY soon be announcing something great we have in store to help you shift your mindset, so make sure you get our emails!)

 

Lastly, I believe in you. I just want you to know that.

On the next post, we’ll look at more specific ways to recognize self-sabotage:

33 Ways You Are Self-Sabotaging

 

If you found this post beneficial, or think it could be beneficial to your friends or family, make sure you share it to your social media or through texts and emails! 

I always love hearing from you, so don’t be afraid to drop a comment below, email me, or reach out to me on Instagram! (Oh! Also, don’t forget to check out our new Facebook page. That’s also a great way to stay up to date with our posts!)

We are so excited to have you working on your self-growth as we start tackling our self-sabotaging behavior to strive for our best selves!

 

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

Understand what self-sabotage it.

Have an honest reality check with yourself.

Change your mindset.

Because as we all know:

you are the most vital character in your story!

*This post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you purchase a product using my link, with no addition cost to you! I promise that Becoming the Best Self will never promote anything that has not been used, fully looked into, or that we do not fully support!*

 

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

It sounds absolutely crazy, right? The idea that we sabotage our own success and stand in our own way? But, if you could take your life back and stop limiting yourself, would you take the risk?

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

___________________________________________________________

*This post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you purchase a product using my link, with no addition cost to you! I promise that Becoming the Best Self will never promote anything that has not been used, fully looked into, or that we do not fully support!*

Self-Sabotage: The Why [Part 2]

PODCAST EP AVAILABLE

Before we get started, I want to let you know that this post is a part of our July series on self-sabotage.

Throughout the remainder of this month, we’re going to look at all things self-sabotage: what it is, how to stop, how it affects us and why we do it!

If you think you may be self-sabotaging your life, work, goals, or relationship(s), I promise you- you’re in the right place! 

(Make sure you become our email friend by clicking here. This way, you can stay up to date throughout this series. We’ll let you know each time a new post is up and give you even more tips than these posts provide. Also, you’ll get first dibs on our freebies and products!)

 

When discussing ways to stop self-sabotaging behavior, knowing what is actually is can be one of the most important topics. 

Self-sabotage is primarily when you halt your own personal development. (Which is the complete opposite of what we want you to be doing!)

There are many different indicators of self-sabotage behavior, but it all boils down to one thing: you. (Duh- ‘self’.)

It’s when you, even if you aren’t completely aware of it, are hindering your own growth and success.

*Jess, why would I sabotage my own life?*

Listen, this is a hard realization to come to. But, if you feel stagnant, complacent, or just merely aren’t reaching any of your goals, you are probably the reason.

(Bear with me- I’m preaching this to myself, too. *as High School Musical’s- ‘We’re all in this together’ plays*)

Self-sabotage isn’t always obvious and it certainly isn’t easy to recognize in yourself. But, we have to acknowledge our faults to fix them and become our best selves, right? 

I’m encouraging you to be open-minded and accept your shortcomings today. If you know something is holding you back, but just can’t put your finger on what, question if it’s you.

If it is, that’s okay. We’re human. You are allowed to have flaws. We always need to work on becoming better, though! 

Since we covered more of the details of what self-sabotage is in the first part of this series, we’re going to go ahead and look at why we self-sabotage today. 

 

Why do I Self- Sabotage?

First of all, why is important to know why we self-sabotage?

Well, in Becoming the Best Self fashion, you can’t fix a problem if you don’t know the roots of it.

Think about it as a real plant and root problem. If you realize your plant isn’t growing or producing new leaves, what do you do? 

Well, if you’re a plant person, you know you need to check the roots. Maybe it needs repotting. 

Maybe it has root rot. Maybe it has a disease. Although some of these signs can be shown through the leaves, getting to the roots of the plant can be your final indicator.

 We work the same way. Get to the root of the problem so you can realize what needs to be done.

 

15 Reasons Why We Self-Sabotage

 

 

1. Negative Perception of Self

 

Sometimes, we self-sabotage because we have a negative perception of who we are. 

A negative perception of yourself is exactly what it sounds like: you negatively view who you are. In turn, this directly sabotages your life. 

“Why should I strive for greatness when I have nothing to offer?”

Well, let me be the one to tell you- you have a TON to offer.

Do you know how beneficial just your CO2 is for our world? I mean, dang, even if that’s all you have to give right now, we need it.

Solution: Stop speaking negatively to, or about, yourself. For two reasons-

1. 1. You limit yourself when you doubt your abilities.

1. 2. You tell others how to treat you by showing them how you treat yourself.

 

 

2. Fear of ‘questioned’ success

 

Okay, this isn’t really the fear of success at all. The fear of questionable success is actually the fear of trying and not succeeding. 

We then self-sabotage our ability to succeed, so we don’t have to worry about a failing outcome.

This is one of those mindset concepts, too. 

We have a fear of failure. Which is understandable. But, how can you grow if you never let yourself fail?

Listen, we can’t be great at everything we start.

We can, though, learn from our failures and come back better!

Solution: Let yourself fail. Don’t be afraid to not succeed.

If you fail, assess the plan. Figure out what went wrong, and try again!

(Success normally takes trial and error. Give yourself the chance to fail so you can enjoy the success.)

 

 

3. Habit

 

We are comfortable self-sabotaging our lives.

Ew, that sounds so gross.

“I am comfortable ruining my own life.”

But, it’s true. 

If you have self-sabotaging behavior, it probably happens without thought. 

You don’t actively think, “I am going to stop working out and gain 20 pounds.” 

But, you fall out of your gym routine, cancel your membership (because it’s just wasted money), and put on some weight.

If that sounds familiar, I feel you. But, that’s self-sabotage.

We do things so habitually, we don’t stop to think the outcome of our behaviors. 

Solution: Pay attention to what you are doing. Before you make decisions, think about the benefits or disadvantages it can cause you.

 

 

4. Low sense of self-worth

 

This ties in with our first reason mentioned, but having a low sense of self-worth can be one of the main causes of self-sabotage.

If you don’t value your worth, why should you aim for success and happiness? You probably don’t deserve it anyways, do you?

GET OUT OF THIS MINDSET. JUST GET OUT OF IT.

You DO deserve the absolute best life you can live! You deserve to thrive. I need you to understand this.

You are worth more than you can ever fathom, I’m sure of it.

Solution: If you have a low sense of self-worth, we have to fix that. 

It’s not a quick, or easy, fix, though.

I know I say it all the time, but start journaling. Journal about your thoughts, your successes (regardless of how small you deem them), what you love about yourself, etc. 

Keep a ‘positivity journal’. Meaning the only things you write in your journal are encouraging. Don’t allow negativity to go on the pages. 

When you start feel low about yourself, read back through your journal.

 

 

5. Lack of self-awareness

 

In similar terms to self-sabotaging habits, having a lack of self-awareness can throw a huge wedge in your personal development.

Self-awareness is obviously being aware of yourself. Right? But, are you? Or, are you sabotaging your life because you aren’t actually sure of who you are?

Solution: You have to be aware of who you are, what you are doing, and what you bring to the table.

And here’s the kicker- if you don’t like any of those answers, you are in charge of changing them.

You need to know your thoughts, too. We talk about changing your mindset on our post discussing what self-sabotage is. It’s so important that I’m bringing it up again.

Stay in control of your thoughts.

 

6. The Pity Party

 

Ah, misery loves company, doesn’t it?

If you allow yourself to become a member of the pity party, you are self-sabotaging your own happiness.

You can’t expect happiness if you are consumed with getting pity from yourself or others.

But, some people (maybe you, maybe me, maybe both) rely on hearing how sorry people feel for them. 

By knowing other people feel bad for them, they can reassure themselves that they aren’t the problem- it’s their situation.

 If this is you, knock it off, dude.

Solution: If you realize that you are pitying yourself, or looking for people to pity you, stop the action in its tracks.

Recognize that you are in control of your life. If you don’t like how something is going, work to change it.

Also- tough love time- understand that other people don’t thrive on hearing your problems. 

Yes, some want to listen and help, but if you aren’t taking advice or working on fixing your problems, majority of your people aren’t going to just sit around and listen to you mope.

 

 

7. Laziness

 

Some self-sabotaging behavior comes directly from pure laziness.

It takes effort to succeed and reach your goals. It takes effort to work on your mental health and happiness.

Is this effort worth it? Absolutely.

Is everyone willing to put in the work? Absolutely not.

Laziness is like a disease. Once you get into the routine of not doing anything, it becomes really hard to start again.

But, most of the time, if you keep your momentum going, you’ll be driven to reach your final goals.

So, what stops us?! Self-sabotage.

Solution: Check out our post on productivity. If you stay productive, you’ll start seeing your hard work pay off! When it starts paying off, you’ll be more motivated to keep working towards your goals!

If you struggle with staying productive and want to live more intentionally, you can also check out this ultimate productivity bundle course! (It gives you an insane amount of tools and resources to help you plan, stay on track, and reach your goals.)

 

 

8. Low self-confidence

 

Just like having a low sense of self-worth, having low self-confidence can be a reason you are self-sabotaging.

Your self-confidence is what tells you what you can and can’t do. 

Let me just say- I firmly believe you can do anything you set your mind to. But, you have to have the confidence to do so.

If you lack self-confidence, you’ll start limiting what you even attempt. (Self-sabotage, my friend.)

Solution: Read our post on self-confidence. If you learn to love yourself, you’ll realize you are capable of some terrific things.

Once you realize how powerful you are, you’ll stop self-sabotaging your life and abilities.

 

 

9. Fear of acknowledgement

 

This is for my shy, or more reserved, peeps.

A lot of people will self-sabotage for the mere sake of not wanting people to notice them.

For some people, the idea of success seems terrifying because they will then be receiving more attention.

Think about it: if you are being promoted at work, you’ll most likely start receiving a lot of congratulatory comments, right?

Which can be a good thing, but there are people that just want to blend in. 

Which is okay. Blending in isn’t bad. Standing out isn’t bad. You being you isn’t bad.

But, if you are self-sabotaging your success and growth because you want to avoid uncomfortable things, that is bad.

Solution: Now, if you are a confident and outgoing individual, this probably sounds absurd to you.

But, if you are sitting there thinking, “Okay, wait, this kind of sounds like me,” then let’s talk about it.

Just like #8, work on your self-confidence.

Even if you still don’t want to be noticed, having a higher self-confidence will give you the ability to- get this– be confident in these situations.

 

 

10. Control of failure(s)

 

I get this one. Boy, do I get this one.

Sometimes we self-sabotage because we want to be in control if things go down in flames. 

You don’t want to *fully* go for anything, because you’re scared of what may happen.

This is almost like being one foot and one foot out.

Yes, you want success. Yes, you know how to get it. Yes, you are afraid to fail.

No, you don’t allow yourself to take the risk. 

Solution: If you’re in control of your failure, at least it didn’t ‘just happen’, right?

Wrong. If you are trying to control how you fail, you’re not setting yourself up to succeed.

Let yourself fail, however it may be. 

Set your goal, make your plan, and start it. Then, let it play out.

If you fail, look at what went wrong and THEN try to fix it. 

Don’t try to fix failures before you give them the chance to succeed.

 

 

11. Trauma

 

As you may know, we have an entire series on this blog about trauma.

But, trauma can be a leading cause in self-sabotage. 

Understanding that the things that happened to you growing up, and throughout every stage of your life, affects your entire future is wild. (And, scary.)

If you grew up being told you aren’t enough, you won’t make it, or you can’t succeed- that will probably stick with you.

But, you have control over your trauma. As crazy as it may sound, you can fix yourself.

Also, I’m still here to remind you again- you are enough. You can do anything. And, you can and will succeed.

Solution: You are the one that decides if you let your trauma define you or if you decide to grow from it. (Hint- I recommend growing from it!)

You should also check out our trauma series. We go into detail on recognizing and growing from trauma.

 

 

12. Overestimating our abilities

 

Oop, sometimes we think we can do more than we actually can.

Do you ever procrastinate because you know you can get it done the last minute? (Because, same.)

But, no matter what your argument is, you 100% will never do your best work under pressure.

Therefore, you are self-sabotaging your ability to be your best and do your best.

Or, maybe, you keep saying ‘yes’ to everything you’re asked when you know you already have a full plate.

We have a post that touches on saying no. You have to protect your energy.

How can you be your best self if you are spread thin?

Solution: Stop taking on more than you can handle. Stop waiting until the last minute to get things done. Stop self-sabotaging your time.

 

 

13. Insecurity 

 

We’re going to come back to this in a separate post to this series. But, you can self-sabotage because of your insecurities.

This is SO common in relationships. We sabotage our relationship because we are scared to build that trust. (Same. #workingonit)

We ruin things that are meant to be so special, because we choose to let the fear of intimacy, rejection, or trust take priority.

Solution: Well, for starters, we have to understand that we can’t live a happy life without ever building relationships.

Then, you have to work on slowly breaking your own walls. Don’t depend on someone else to prove themselves to you. Don’t make your partner fight to just understand you.

Practice healthy communication. If you struggle with insecurities, tell the people you’re close to.

And, as far as trust goes- if you want to know something, ask. (1. This is how you communicate. 2. This is how you build trust. 3. If they don’t want to answer (obviously depending on the situation), that’s your red flag.

 

14. Avoidance

 

This follows along with procrastinating, but we self-sabotage by avoiding our responsibilities.

This could just be avoiding something we don’t want to do. Or, it could be avoiding something because we know the work may be hard. Or, we might avoid things because we’re scared of failure. (Sound familiar?)

But, when you avoid the things you need to do, you are only setting yourself back.

Solution: Why avoid something that can catapult your success? Regardless of the time or energy it will take, if it can help you- why not go ahead and do it?

Change your mindset when it comes to avoiding your responsibilities.

If you go to talk yourself out of something you know needs to get done, ask yourself: “If I do this, will it help me?” 

If the answer is yes, just go do it.

 

 

15. The blame game

 

Just like the pity party, self-sabotage thrives in blame games.

Not only does blame fault other people on their own successes, it hinders your ability to grow.

If you don’t like taking responsibility for your life, this is for you.

Solution: Stop blaming other people for where you are.

Stop blaming other people when you don’t get what you want.

Stop blaming other people because you didn’t put in the work.

You are, once again, in control of your life. Make it what you want.

 

Stop self sabotaging your ability to grow.

I know that today was a longer one, but it’s important to know why we do the things we do. That’s the whole point of our “how we work” section.

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You’re becoming your best self.

The more knowledge we have and the more we focus on understanding ourselves significantly catapults our growth!

 

On the next post, we’ll look at ways to recognize self-sabotage: Am I full of Self-Sabotage?

 

If you found this post beneficial, or think it could be beneficial to your friends or family, make sure you share it to your social media or through texts and emails! 

I always love hearing from you, so don’t be afraid to drop a comment below, email me, or reach out to me on Instagram! (Oh! Also, don’t forget to check out our new Facebook page. That’s also a great way to stay up to date with our posts!)

We are so excited to have you working on your self-growth as we start tackling our self-sabotaging behavior to strive to become our best selves!

 

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

Understand why you self-sabotage.

Start reaching your goals.

Change your mindset.

Because as we all know:

you are the most vital character in your story!

*This post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you purchase a product using my link, with no addition cost to you! I promise that Becoming the Best Self will never promote anything that has not been used, fully looked into, or that we do not fully support!*

Related articles:

What is self-sabotage?

Improve your quality of life

The importance of self-confidence

Break free from trauma

Easy self-care ideas

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.

Self-Sabotage Defined

What is self-sabotage and how does it effect me?

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

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*This post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you purchase a product using my link, with no addition cost to you! I promise that Becoming the Best Self will never promote anything that has not been used, fully looked into, or that we do not fully support!*

Self-Sabotage [Part 1]

PODCAST + YOUTUBE VIDEO Available

Hi, friend! Before we dive in on today’s topic, I want to let you know that we are starting the beginning of a new series with this post!

This month’s series is on (you guessed it) self-sabotage.

Throughout the next few weeks, we’re going to be looking what self-sabotage is, if (and why) we do it, how to stop, and so much more.

If you think you may be self-sabotaging your life, work, goals, or relationship(s), I promise you- you’re in the right place!

(Make sure you become our email friend by clicking here. This way, you can stay up to date throughout this series. We’ll let you know each time a new post is up and give you even more tips than these posts provide. Also, you’ll get first dibs on our freebies and products!)

Let’s just start out with the tough love.

I want you to stop and think. What if I told you that you are the only thing keeping you from reaching your goals?

That’d be a tough pill to swallow, huh? But, maybe it’s true. There’s a good possibly you are self-sabotaging your life.

It’s okay- we’re human. We do this. And, throughout the rest of our self- sabotaging series, we’re going to be looking at the ins and outs of combating it.

But, first, we have to learn what self-sabotaging actually is.

 

Although it is not always obvious for you to realize, sometimes you can be your own worst enemy.

Ever heard of shooting yourself in the foot? That term is literally the sole definition of self-sabotage.

Self-sabotaging behavior are behaviors that directly halt your personal self- confidence, daily life, reaching your goals, or even hinder your relationships.

Psychology Today includes procrastination, drug-use, alcohol abuse, indulgent eating, and self-injury as different examples of self-sabotage behavior.

But, here at Becoming the Best Self, we’re going to look at self-sabotage behavior on a more internal basis.

Self-Sabotage (the mind)

 

The thing about self-sabotage is that it doesn’t just limit our success, it destroys our happiness. It takes away the opportunity for us to fully enjoy our life.

*Okay, Jess, but, how?*

I’m sure you know this by now, but our thoughts lead to our actions. So, if our behavior is showing self-sabotaging actions, it definitely started in our minds.

Our thoughts produced the very first inkling of self-sabotage, even if it was subconsciously.

And, as we definitely know, our happiness comes from within.

Although exterior things (materialistic goods, appearances, destinations) can provide a sense of happiness, true happiness comes from your mindset. I mean, that’s pretty obvious.

Can you think of someone who may not be living in the best circumstances, but always seems to be positive and lively?

Then, on the flip side, can you think of someone who seems to have everything they could ever dream of, but acts completely miserable all the time?

Because, yes and yes.

Now, for this post, that point is kinda here nor there. But, it’s vital to realize our actions stem from our mindset.

(And, trust me. I’m not always Positive Pam. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million more times- I’m more of a… Realistic Rose… if you will. But, I do know that my mindset effects everything I do, how I perceive life, and my happiness.)

 

Change Your Mindset

We’re definitely going to look at direct ways to stop self-sabotage throughout the
rest of this series. But, today, I just want to leave you with a few tips on changing
your mindset.

Now, I’m not saying that having (or striving for) a positive mindset alone is going to bring you everything you want, but it will change your life.

 

1. Recognize your thoughts

The first step in changing your mindset is going to be knowing what exactly your mindset is.

We have to know our thoughts to change them, right? Right.

If you aren’t fully self-aware yet, that’s okay. I encourage you to start journaling!

You can check out this journal (I love it because of its customizability) or just grab an extra notebook laying around.

If you aren’t one for writing, keep an electronic journal in the notes section on your phone!

Take time out of your day (you can even set reminders to do this) to pause and truly acknowledging what you are thinking. Jot them down. Then, at the end of the day or week, reflect on your thoughts.

If you have positive thoughts, that’s a win! But, we’re bound to have some negative one. The key here is to recognize them and then work on stopping them in the future.

 

2. Stop negative thoughts in their tracks

For a quick example, you may find yourself dreading a workout. The next time you think of working out, or go to do so, go ahead and give yourself some positive comments.

i. “I know I will feel good after this!”
ii. “When I finish working out, I’ll get to drink my good protein shake!”
iii. “I can’t wait to see my friends in this class. They always motivate me!”

Okay, I know that sounds super cheesy, but I’m telling you- it works.

Just try it. Try it for… let’s say a week.

See how you feel at the end of one week, and get back to me! I’m pretty confident you’ll be in a better headspace!

 

3. Reward yourself for positivity

How do we teach children? All in all, we remind them of how good they’re doing when they do what we want.

I’m here to remind you that we are as simple as children when it comes to this.

Want to create a new habit? Remind yourself you’re doing well each day you ‘do’ the habit.

Want to reach a goal? Set rewards after each step to get there. Want to learn something new? Be proud of yourself throughout each new lesson.

Want to become more positive? Pat yourself on the back for all of the positive comments, outlooks, or thoughts you have throughout the day!

 

If you think you are self-sabotaging, change your mindset.

Stop overcomplicating your happiness.

We’re going to stop there for today. We’ve covered what self-sabotage is and how our mind and mindset can be effect, and be effected by, it.

You’re homework for the beginning of this series? (OOO, did I forget to mention that we’re going to be seriously working through this one?)

Start paying attention to your thoughts. If you don’t like your mindset, or outlook on life, start actively changing it.

You are in control of your life. You are in control of how you think. You are in control of your happiness.

On the next post, we’ll discuss why we self-sabotage. Being such a negative thing, why do we do it? And, why is it so hard to stop?

 

If you found this post beneficial, or think it could be beneficial to your friends or family, make sure you share it to your social media or through texts and emails!

I always love hearing from you, so don’t be afraid to drop a comment below, email me, or reach out to me on Instagram! (Oh! Also, don’t forget to check out our new Facebook page. That’s also a great way to stay up to date with our posts!)

We are so excited to have you working on your self-growth as we start tackling our self-sabotaging behavior to strive for our best selves!

 

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

Recognize self-sabotaging behavior.

Change your mindset.

Stop self-sabotaging your life.

Because as we all know:

you are the most vital character in your story!

*This post contains affiliate links. I do receive a small commission if you purchase a product using my link, with no addition cost to you! I promise that Becoming the Best Self will never promote anything that has not been used, fully looked into, or that we do not fully support!*

 

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.