Insider’s Edition: Long Distance Relationships

(the good, the bad, and the ugly)

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

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What We’ve Learned Throughout our

Long Distance Relationship

If you’ve followed this blog, Becoming the Best Self, or my Instagram, you probably know by now that I’m in a LDR (long distance relationship). He’s definitely not attention shy, but for this series, I’ll just refer to my better half as Mr. J!

I mean, it really is fitting, because minus the toxicity, I’m basically Harley Quinn and he thinks he’s a cool and slick as Mr. J anyways.

[Obviously, post the iconically heartbreaking break-up, even though Harley, herself, is now doing wonderful!]

*Shrugs shoulders with slight eye-roll.* (Jk, babe! I love you! And you’re the dopest person I know!)

Okay, so slight update for you: We have officially spent over a year in a long distance relationship! And believe me, I never thought I would be saying that!

I’ve been bothering Mr. J for OVER 365 days, and yet here we are- THRIVING!

(Maybe it’s just because I’m cute, or maybe he really does adore me! The world may never know.)

I digress- starting a long distance relationship was never appealing to me (as it normally isn’t for the majority of us humans).

I don’t think people, at least I know I didn’t, wake up and go, “Hmm. What a beautiful day to fall in love with someone- that isn’t going to be anywhere near me on a regular basis!”

I’m not talking about wanting your space when you get mad- I’m talking about not getting to have your best friend by your side on holidays, birthdays, or celebrations. I’m talking having hard talks, that you know need to be had, over a phone call because it’s the only way it will get sorted. I’m talking bawling your eyes about something and just wanting that comfort of your person, but settling for a sweet text because it’s all y’all have.

Now, if all that is what you long for, you prolly a lil toxic but, LONG DISTANCE IS FOR YOU, SIS!

But the reality is that most of the time, we don’t have much of a choice when a relationship is long distance. It’s okay though! You’ve came to the right place! Today, we’re going to get into the nitty gritty behind making a long distance relationship not only work, but thrive! So, if you are beginning, considering, or trying to enhance your LDR, stay with me!

I’m hoping, if nothing else, you’ll at least have reassurance that you can absolutely have an amazing long distance relationship by the end of this post!

A Quick Little LDR Backstory on Me and Mr. J

First of all, we’ll mention the elephant in the room: He’s hotter than I am. He’s *whewww* hot. (Insert the drooling and fire emojis.) He’s.. dreamy.

But, I’m ‘DM him on Insta and see if I don’t pull up’ crazy, so there’s that.

And no, he’s not just looks. But, I mean- come on. When you look like that??? Is it ever really NOT just looks?!

Okay, TOTALLY kidding, but I am obsessed with this man! I could write a whole post on all the ways he’s incredible, but I know that’s not why you’re here. (*breaks out in sweats as I’ve lost my train of thought.*)

I’m going to keep this pretty short, as I know many of you already know about our relationship and I also have a separate post on our relationship during this pandemic, but I want to give a little more detail on how we actually work and what we prioritize while being long distance!

(You can also listen to a podcast on long distance we did here!)

As I mentioned earlier, we have now officially been ‘together’ for a little over year! I’m not sure if it’s a pro or con (we actually discuss this frequently), but we have been long distance for the entirety of our relationship, thus far. Seriously- the night of our first date, he told me he was leaving the next day, but that he thought I was pretty cool, and would be willing to try a LDR if I was…

You’ll never believe it, but I said, “alright, alright, alright- let’s do this,” and we pretty much started our relationship about 8 hours apart.

In some ways, I’m thankful for this. I didn’t have to adjust from being with someone everyday, to being states apart.

But, I do sometimes wish we had that time in the beginning together. I wish we were able to learn the ins and outs of each other in the same place, rather than over texts, face time, and monthly adventures.

We’ve been hours apart, on opposite sides of the country, and even entire countries apart. And even though it’s been a learning curve for the both of us, it’s one I will always be grateful for!

Over the course of a year, we have learned many things to treasure in our relationship, more things we have to work hard at, and even more things we need to adjust to.

On that note, it is my pleasure to I present to you this series on Long Distance Dating, where we are now diving right into questions we get asked that pertain to being a long distance couple!

Common Questions for Long Distance Couples (Answered)

If you are beginning, or considering starting, a long distance relationship, I know you may have a lot of questions. (Or, maybe you don’t. I didn’t in the beginning, but looking back- there are some things I wish I had known.)

Now, even though I’ve had friends come to me for, and value, my advice, I never thought I would have couples asking me about my long distance relationship- but here we are.

I want to disclaim here that we are not always #relationshipgoals. We aren’t perfect, and we never claim to be. And, even though this series is about teaching you how to make your LDR thrive- we aren’t always thriving. We don’t always have it together. But, after a year of doing this, I do think we have a leg (or 4) to stand on. 

I’m going to go through just a few of the question I have been asked, multiple times, by different people! My answers won’t be exact solutions, but they will be honest, and they will be what has worked for our relationship.

• Isn’t it hard?

Ah, the infamous, “Oh, wow… that must be very hard on y’all,” comment.

Of course it is. Abso-freaking-lutely of course it is.

It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever actually committed to. There’s no just coming home, cuddling up, and getting that sweet ‘I love you’ kiss before bed.

“Jess, that’s unrealistic, first of all. This isn’t a regular thing to expect, all the time.”

Okay, technically you’re right. Life gets loaded and we get busy. But, shouldn’t we have high expectations for our relationships? Shouldn’t we want that fairytale love? Maybe not, but I do.

Hear me out though- a LDR can still have that fairytale vibe, I just think you have to go about it a little differently.

 Learn yourself and what you need. Seriously. It sounds selfish, but these are things you need to know before going into any relationship. You also need to communicate with your partner about what their needs are. Since relationships are a two way street, both people need to have their needs met to thrive.

I know this sounds simple, because you really need to know these things regardless of what kind of relationship you are in, but long distance just adds another difficulty level to opening up. I got you though- here are some examples of ways you can meet your partner’s needs, even long distance:

• • I’m going to start with this because it’s a huge one for me: If you are a person that needs reassurance, express this in the beginning. Let your partner know that you will need to be reassured of your relationship, love, etc. at the start of your relationship.

Listen. Reassurance is not necessarily a negative term. Now, if you need reassurance due to toxic traits of you or your partner, that have been shown throughout your relationship, that probably isn’t good and you have bigger fish to fry than just distance.

But, as this entire question is about, and assuming you have a healthy relationship, long distance is hard. Your relationship will be supported by a solid foundation of trust and honesty, that’s made from phone calls and FaceTimes. Needing reassurance will be normal.

With that being said, if you don’t let these expectations be known from the start, randomly asking your significant other if there is something wrong, or if they love you anymore, can lead to them feeling like they aren’t doing enough. They’ll assume they’ve done something wrong to make you feel like something is failing, when in reality, you just need to hear that everything is good!

Believe me when I say, healthy communication is V I T A L.

• • You can still go on regular dates, it’s just over video. Plan nights and times and stick to them. Quality time is something you should never take for granted, and not many relationships will work without it. It’s how you get to know who you’re with! It’s how you fall in love over and over again! Find time, even when y’all are time zones apart, and really date to learn if this is really who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t just get comfortable.

Quick pro tip for the guys– pay attention to your girl. We aren’t as hard as we’re made out to be. If you love her like you should, learn her. Y’all out here throwing around your money, when she just wants you to get some food and watch a movie with her. Crazy.

Quick pro tip for the girls– don’t make them guess. Verbalize what you want. Don’t expect your man to read your mind. That’s not how humans work, and just sets your relationship’s termination.

• • I’m going to go in on this in my next post of this series, but have an end goal for the long distance.

First of all, if you don’t picture a future with this person, don’t waste their, or your, time. I mean, come on- grow a pair of balls, and let them down easy, but it’s only going to get harder the longer you string them on.

Secondly, a long distance relationship should be temporary. If you do see your relationship lasting the test of time, set your end goal. Then, communicate about it! Understand why you are currently long distance, and figure out the steps y’all have to take to be together.

This doesn’t mean date for a month and then plan to move to a different country for them the next day. (I’m not knocking it though- you do you, boo!) Whether it be a year or 5, have your end goal set and work towards it!

Keep in mind- all healthy relationships take work. Long distance just gives you a gap you have to find ways to fill.

The relationship (& love) itself does not necessarily take any different amount of work, but you will have to find ways to overcome the distance.

 

• How far is too far?

Even though I get this question enough to mention it here, the answer is simple. For us, every mile apart sucks, but it’ll never be too far.

I think this is a pretty personal decision, but we obviously haven’t had a ‘too far’. I have literally been asked if there was some magic number, in terms of distance, where I would be like, “Oop. Too far, I’m out.”

But, after being in completely different countries, I think it’s a safe bet to say I’m in it to win it. (Congrats, Mr. J. You’re stuck with me!)

Now, we know Becoming the Best Self is all about.. well, becoming your best self. And, in the name of the game- you have to know yourself to become your best self. 

When committing to a relationship, long distance in particular, you have to know yourself. Yes, you will have bad days and feel (probably be) less than sometimes, but you need to have a good foundation on knowing who you are, where you are in life, and where you are trying to be.

I think anyone can make a long distance relationship work, but not everyone is at a place in their life where they can make it thrive.

You have to determine how far is too far. Self reflect, and have that vulnerable conversation with yourself.

For some, a different town may be too much. You may need that in person support, and long distance can’t give you that. For others, you can be worlds apart and you’ll figure it out. (I mean, that’s what we’re doing- just figuring it out!)

Neither way is ‘right’, but you need to know what you want and what your lines are, or you’re setting everyone up for failure. If you go into something doubting it’s ability to work… well, you’re affirming that it won’t.

 

• How do y’all do it?

This is probably my favorite question because the answer really is pretty simple: we just do it. 

I’m going to go into an elaborate amount of detail in the next post of this series, where we’ll give you some actual tips and ways to make your long distance relationship thrive, but I will touch on it just a bit here, as a means of wrapping up this post.

As of right now, and the past year, we haven’t had any say in being long distance. We have only had a say in if we wanted to have a relationship, and clearly we do.

I stumbled upon a book by Couple Power that focuses on “The Four C’s” in making a LDR work, and I wanted to quickly share a bit of my take on those here:

• Commitment

  • If you aren’t committed, why are you in it? I’m so freaking serious. If you can’t commit, don’t date. It’s simple.

Long distance relationships require an entirely different level of trust, vulnerability, and honesty. Even though these are qualities that every relationship needs, when you have a significant amount of miles between you, they are harder to get and maintain. Like I said earlier, long distance relationships are hard. Remember your commitment, even when your significant other isn’t beside you.

I know this sounds just like a ‘don’t cheat’ reminder (which it is), but it’s so much more than that. Commit to every aspect of your relationship. Be in your relationship.

• • • • Small example: LDR relationships, mine at least, require more time set aside. You can’t just grab dinner together and watch a movie beside each other while working on others things. You have to commit to times that you’ll spend with your significant other, whether it be via phone call, FaceTime, etc. Commit to that time. 
• Cooperation
• • Work together as a team. Have a situation? Cooperate with one another. It’s y’all against the problem, not y’all against each other. (I say that lightly, but it’s not always an easy feat. I know Mr. J probably wishes I reminded myself of this more often than I do, but we’re all a work in progress, yeah?)

Face things together. In all aspects of life. Be a team.

• • • Pick your battles. If it’s not worth it, just drop it. It’ll save you a lot of valuable time- I promise.

• Communication

  • I can’t stress this one enough. If you don’t know how to communicate, you seriously better learn. You have to both be willing to communicate, about everything. Do you know how many things can get misinterpreted when all you can do is text and have phone calls? Don’t be afraid to talk. Honestly, don’t be afraid to ‘start things’.

(Mr. J is probably rolling his eyes because he knows I take my own advice on this. *insert upside down face emoji here.* But, unlike how I go about a lot of things, I am encouraging you to do it in a healthier manner.)

• • If you are scared to bring something up because you think it’s going to start something, you probably really do need to talk about it. So, communicate. Y’all will have to figure out how y’all best communicate, but I am telling you- communication makes the world of difference in a long distance relationship.
    • For instance, Mr. J likes to talk on FaceTime, so we can see each other and not just hear a voice or interpret a text. He is a ‘problem solver’ and I’m a ‘problem analyzer’. I want the why, how, what are the options, and what now. He just wants to fix it. But, our yin and yang fit, and we continuously try to master how we communicate- even if it’s not easy.
• Community
  • Keeping this short and sweet: you are going to need people around you that are going to support you. You want a community that is going to encourage your relationship (given that it’s healthy).

 

Final LDR Roundup-

As cliche as it sounds, you really either want to make it work, or you don’t. You know the saying, “work for what you want”?

That’s what your slogan should be going into, and maintaining, your long distance relationship!

All in all, we just work. When something’s wrong, we fix it. We’re not perfect at it, but I’ll be damned if my relationship fails because we didn’t give it our all.

 

That’s all I got for this one, love birds!

If you found this helpful or have more questions, please let me know in the comments! And, as always, if you think someone could benefit from reading this, make sure to share it! 

If you want to get in touch with me, don’t hesitate to shoot me an email or find me on Instagram!

In the next part of this series, we’ll talk about some legit ways you can improve your mental health in a long distance relationship, so be sure to check back in and stay tuned!

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

Take a step back and figure out what you want.

Start that relationship.

Practice communication.

Because as we all know:

you are the most vital character in your story!

Related articles:

Can long distance relationships affect your mental health?

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.