Long Distance Relationships vs Mental Health

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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!

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How exactly will a long distance relationship play a role in benefitting, or hindering, my mental health?

Now, all relationships take an ample amount of work. But, long distance relationships (LDR) require a significantly higher amount of commitment, patience, and understanding. They aren’t for the weak, but they can absolutely thrive- when taking the right steps both personally and together. Today, we’re going to look at how a long distance relationship may push our personal limits. Don’t worry though! I won’t be leaving you high and dry! You’ll also get some tips on how to combat these feelings.

In our last post, I gave you some insight and answers on some common long distance questions that Mr. J and I get! But, today, I’m going to dive into the psychology behind the personal effects long distance relationships can have.

As always- any sources I have pulled information from will be linked throughout and related articles will be posted at the bottom of this post.

Since our goal here is to become our best selves, we’re going to discuss both the problems of long distance relationships, as well as possible solutions! I never want you to leave this blog without some tips that you can benefit from.

The Psychology Behind a Long Distance Relationship

I want to remind you that it is VITAL that you frequently check in with yourself and prioritize working on your mental health. You can check out my mental health check in post here, but I really do want to encourage you to make it a regular habit to make sure you are doing well!

Did you know that a series of scholars have actually conducted studies based solely on learning if long distance relationships can work?

All of the studies I have read through have shown positive outcomes of LDRs! Meaning researchers have actually taken the time to run studies to reassure you that your long distance relationship can thrive! I take pride in presenting you with accurate information, and in doing so, I ran into a study done in 2007, by Stafford and Merolla, that actually found that starting as a long distance relationship can leave your relationship better off than those in close proximity! So, if you are on the fence about trying to make it work, I promise you- it can! (I list some scholarly articles at the end of the post if you want to check out more research done!)

With that being said, many studies have also included many ways that a LDR can be extraordinarily hard and take a significant toll on your mental health.

The silver lining to this?

With appropriate work, self awareness, and a striving desire for self growth, these psychological drawbacks can be halted!

So, without further ado, let’s jump right into the ways a long distance relationship can affect your mental health and how to diminish these problems!

 

9 Ways a Long Distance Relationship Can Affect Your Mental Health

Although there is no science behind the order I am going to be listing these factors, I am going to present them in the order that I, personally, see them from being the most harmful to the least harmful. We’ll look at the details of each point and then I will advance into simple ways we can try to bring these issues to a standstill.

 

1. Increased Stress

If you think a long distance relationship won’t add anymore stress than a proximal relationship (where the couple is living in close proximity), I hate to tell you that you’re wrong, but you’re wrong.

Let’s just openly think about this:

Scenario:

You fall in love. I mean like, head over heels, really in love. You soon realize this person is moving to (or has already moved to) a different state. Maybe even across the country. You won’t be able to go to the movies every Friday night. After a really hard day, you’ll have to curl up with your pillow instead of your best friend. Instead of a kiss before work, you’ll have to settle for a cup of coffee and that “have a good day” text.

Does that thought suck? Because let me tell you, even though Mr. J and I have been doing the whole long distance thing for our entire relationship thus far, it breaks my heart knowing there is so much distance between us.

Long distance means doing most of life on your own, while having that close companionship through your phone. How can this not be stressful?

The worst part of this added stress is that it can potentially cause problems within your relationship. Being long distance, your significant other will not be able to see everything happening in your day to day life. You may find yourself snapping off about something that is seemingly irrelevant, but with all the stress you are under, you can’t let it go. There will probably be petty arguments, due to small (or big) miscommunications since you aren’t able to have those in person conversations.

There tends to be more pressure on couples in long distance relationships, because you are really trying to make up for the distance itself. And, that’s not a bad thing! You want to make up for the distance! But, you need to find healthy ways to do it- not ways that can ruin the bond you’ve worked so hard to build.

So, I’m here to say- if you are in a LDR, and find yourself completely overwhelmed with life itself at times, it is normal. This isn’t something that you can work on one night and have perfected the next. Mr. J can tell you that I am probably the worst at turning small things into big arguments, all because I’m missing him. Does that make sense? No. Am I working on being better at it? Yes. Does that justify it? Not one bit. But, at the end of the day, long distance is hard, and the extra stress it can add really does take a toll.

Weakening the stress long distance relationships can add:

• • If you find yourself stressed over something big or small, target where that stress stems from. Does it come directly from your relationship? If so, you do need to bring it up in an appropriate conversation. If it is due to a different factor in your life, explain to your partner that you are having a tough time and want to talk about it.

 

2. Feelings of Loneliness

This, to me, is an obvious one. You are away from the one person you want to spend every second with. Even though you may have other people in your life, a long distance relationship can make you feel lonely.

For instance, you’re going to see other couples out together. You’ll see tables for two filled when you go to dinner. Couples will be sitting together in the movies. Social media will show you all the vacations lovebirds are on together.

And you won’t get that. You may feel like you are alone. But, remember- you aren’t.

Embracing the loneliness in a long distance relationship:

• • First of all, spend your time wisely! Work on yourself! Learn yourself! Find a new hobby! There are endless resources- jump on YouTube and find something to do!
  • Make sure you and your partner have an end goal. Long distance should be a temporary problem, not a forever thing. If y’all set that timeline and stick to it, you’ll be able to remind yourself that this feeling won’t last forever!
  • Get a support system. Reach out to your community (friends and family) and have people to socialize with when you feel alone!
  • Communicate with your partner! Let them know when you feel alone. If you don’t, this can add stress to your relationship. (Your partner can’t read your mind, so don’t expect them to.) We, thankfully, live in a world full of technology. Get on FaceTime or a phone call! It won’t take away the fact that y’all aren’t physically together, but it will most likely make you feel a little better!

 

3. Higher Levels of Anxiety

Anxiety can be triggered by a long distance relationship whether you regularly deal with anxiety or not. Since long distance is based solely on trust and honesty, your mind will most likely start to wonder and worry.

That is normal.

It is normal to need reassurance. Since you won’t be able to physically hangout with your person, and communication will be hard at times, you may find yourself getting lost in your thoughts. This is really anxiety taking over.

You may begin overthinking hypothetical situations, that don’t even make sense to you. I’m here to remind you, though, that you are not crazy. It’s a side effect of being many miles away from the one person you want to be right beside.

Side note: it is not normal to blatantly not trust your partner. Remember that.

Putting anxiety to rest:

• • Try to reason with yourself on why you are feeling anxious. Are you questioning real parts of your relationship for a valid reason? If so, you need to communicate that with your partner. Or, are you making up scenarios in your head, with no leg to stand on? If that’s the case, find ways to come back to reality. You don’t need to start an argument that is just a thought.
  • Journal your feelings. Not only will this help you get your thoughts out without fighting or having a breakdown, it may be neat to read how far y’all have come in the future!

4. Easily Triggered Depression

My long distance relationship is one of the hardest things I’ve ever committed to. Even with hard work, sometimes it still feels like we’re failing. (Don’t get me wrong- we absolutely aren’t. But taking into consideration the miles and miles of separation between us, I can’t help but wonder if there’s more I could be doing.)

If you already suffer with depression, a long distance relationship may be extraordinarily challenging for you.

Between the last 3 factors we looked at (stress, loneliness, and anxiety), a depression flare up will not be uncommon. But, although it may be normal for a LDR, it can break your relationship.

Depression will not only wear on you, but it will take a toll on your partner. They may think they aren’t enough for you, or aren’t able to keep you happy. This is not good. Since a relationship is a partnership, you both need to bring your A-game to the table. If one, or both, of you aren’t able to do this, your bond may begin to hinder.

Bringing your happiness back into a long distance relationship:

• • Talk it out. If you’re upset, let your partner know. Remind them that they aren’t doing anything wrong, but that the distance is really bringing you down. Cry about it if you need to, but remember that it is temporary. Do not be afraid to ask your partner for reassurance. (Trust me, I need this a lot. Just ask Mr. J. It took awhile, but we’re both learning that we each need reassurance in different ways, and we’re working towards our best relationship when giving it to one another.)

Now, if you do psychologically suffer with depression, I do recommend seeking out an expert of that field (doctor, therapist, psychologist, etc.). But, if you are only beginning to see these symptoms within a long distance relationship, I encourage you to really try to get in touch with your feelings.

5. Fear of Missing Out

Ah, the infamous FOMO.

This one, to me, is a bit silly. But, boy, can I relate.

The fear of missing out can come in so many different forms and situations. But, in terms of a LDR, it’s seemingly when you feel like you are going to miss out on big parts of your partner’s life.

It’s tough.

(A long distance relationship is basically two committed people in love, living two separate lives.)

There’s a fine line between being toxically controlling and just getting upset that you’re not able to be apart of the milestones and memories your partner is making. And, in my personal opinion, I think that toxicity drops when you know how to communicate.

You can’t tell your partner to wait on you for everything- especially when you don’t know when you’ll be there. Vice versa, you won’t be able to wait on your partner for everything happening in your life. You will both miss out on things.

I’m telling you: you will both miss out on vital parts of each other’s lives.

That is a hard realization for me, every single time I think about it. It really is a hard pill to swallow. When you fall in love with someone, you picture your life with them, yeah? LDR sometimes takes that away, to an extent.

Breaking FOMO in a long distance relationship:

Oop. This is the hardest one for me to give you a solution to, because I struggle with this one the most. This is going to be one of those ‘practice what you preach’ moments for me. [#becomeyourbestself] But, I’m going to try my hardest to give you some valuable insight.

• • Once again, have that end goal for your relationship. Know that you won’t be missing out on everything for the rest of your lives.
  • Have healthy conversations with your partner if you are upset about missing, or having missed, something. Let them know that you wanted to be there. (This will not only help you release your emotions, it will help your significant other affirm your love for them and desire to be in their life.)
  • Remind yourself that y’all are two people, both doing life. Just because you can’t be together during everything doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate the milestones and make memories together!

6. Faulted Communication

I honestly believe that communication is what makes or breaks any relationship. But, I have found that it is significantly harder to communicate over texts, phone calls, and FaceTime.

Is healthy communication over technological devices impossible? It most definitely is not. But, I will go as far to say that it is considerably more challenging that in person communication.

Think about it:

Have you ever read something over a text that you later found out you took entirely wrong? Welcome to everyday life in a long distance relationship.

For full transparency, Mr. J and I prided ourselves on our communication in the beginning of our relationship. But, as life got busier and different time zones hit, we weren’t able to talk as much. Texts were being completely misconstrued on both ends, and it made for uncomfortable phone calls because one of us was unhappy with something said over a message. (Even though the other didn’t mean it how it was taken.)

We have always had a way of talking things out, but we’ve learned it’s so much easier when we do it over FaceTime. Mr. J had to work on me wanting to answer them, because I, for one, have not always been a fan of video calls. Not sure why, I just never wanted to have them. But, now they’re my favorite because not only do I get to see my man (he’s a hunkkkkk if you didn’t know), but we also get to see each other’s demeanor when we’re having important conversations.

Healthy communication in a long distance relationship:

• • You don’t have to settle everything right away. Texting is not the best option. So, if you can’t talk over a phone or video call, the conversation may need to be had at a different time.
  • Think about what you want to say and how you should be wording things before you begin the conversation. If you need to add a, “this may sound like this, but I mean this” disclaimer- go for it.
  • If you are bringing up something negative, find some positive things to add. Your partner may not always pick up on your compliments, but it will most likely soften the conversation subconsciously. (And that’s on psychology. *winks*)

7. Lifestyle Comparison

You will want to compare your relationship. We always want to compare our relationships, long distance or not.

There are three main problems with this:

1. You are normally comparing people’s best moments to your worst.
   • No one brags about their faults or shortcomings. Even the most authentic people, in real life or on social media, don’t go around flaunting their issues. So, you can’t ‘want’ their life when you only see bits and pieces.
2. Long distance relationships can’t be compared to proximal relationships.
   • All relationships take work. But you can’t compare your long distance relationship to one of two people who go home to each other every night. Yes, there may be some similarities in certain parts, but trust me- there are far more differences.
3. The grass is green where you water it.
   • And I stand by that. I will always stand by that. You can’t work on your relationship if you’re focused on someone else’s. If there’s a problem, work on fixing it.

Stop comparing relationships:

• • If you compare your relationships to those on social media, get outta here. They prolly fake. But really, consider deleting your account. Or, at least unfollow the accounts making you feel bad about your own relationship.
  • Remember that a long distance relationship can weigh heavier than a proximal relationship. Don’t fault you or your partner on something that is due primarily to distance.
  • Focus on what needs to be fixed, and how to fix it, in your relationship. Don’t focus on what other people are showing as highlights of their relationship.

 

8. Lack of Intimacy

I actually read an article that discussed how some individuals enjoy the lack of regular intimacy and want only one day/night a week, or even month, with their significant other. They want to set aside that time to give their attention over, and then use the rest of their time to ‘get things done’, I guess.

Personally, ya girl can’t relate. I could spend every second, of every day, with Mr. J and not get tired of looking at his beautiful face (and abs) or hearing his sensational laugh. Or being able to listen to him go on rants when something happens on the news or seeing his face light up about things he’s passionate about. I don’t understand the whole ‘don’t be obsessed with who you’re with mindset’, but to each their own.

Although my relationship doesn’t really struggle with this (I think that’s because we are such huge supporters of each other), I do know this can cause some serious problems for individuals in any relationship, more so a LDR.

Lighting that spark back up in a long distance relationship:

• • Have meaningful conversations. We are all different humans which means we all have different stories. Never stop learning who you’re with! Talk about their passions, their pain, their funniest memories. The options really are endless!
  • Support each other. Never let your partner feel like you aren’t there for them. If you don’t know what you can do, ask them. Even if they don’t have an answer, letting them know you care is important.

9. Time Management

Although this may not affect your mental health as much as some of the other factors listed above, I do think this one is importance to discuss.

A long distance relationship can make you feel like you can’t get a good grip on time management. Especially if you are in different time zones.

Since LDR really only have communication between phone calls and video calls, it is important to give all your attention to these conversations. This means you will need to set aside time to engage in this!

Believe me as I tell you that you don’t want all of your phone calls to be had while you or your partner are focused on another task. The conversation won’t be as meaningful as if you are giving each other sole focus.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- yes, life will get busy. But, that doesn’t mean you can set your relationship on the back burner. If you don’t put ample effort into it, it won’t always be there. And, if your partner and relationship are worth it to you, and you really do want this to last, you’ll need to prioritize spending quality time with them.

How to manage your time in a long distance relationship:

• • Get a regular schedule. I don’t mean pencil in a phone call with your lover, but make sure you have time to be able to give them your full attention.
  • Discuss everything you each need to get done that day/week and come to an agreement on when you can both spend that quality time together, with no distractions.
  • Prioritize your relationship. At the end of the day, that’s what really matters. We work for what we want and what we think is important. If you value your relationship and your person- prioritize them.

So, there you have it.

9 ways a long distance relationship can affect your mental health.

I hope you were able to benefit from this post. I know it was a long one, but there was a lot that needed to be said! All in all, your relationship is worth working on and your mental health can be good! You just need to make sure you, and your partner, stay in touch with where your (both of your) head is (are) at.

If you have some other tips, or even some questions, comment them! Not only do I benefit from your comments, I know other’s do as well!

As always, if you enjoyed this post, or think someone else could use this, share it with your friends! Long distance can be hard, and these couples probably need your support!

Oh, and here’s the real tea: If you think I’m crazy, nah my dude. It’s my long distance relationship and I just justified that with 9 reasons why my mental health may be wack sometimes. *shrugs.*

As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.

Fall in love.

Target your stress.

Take the chance.

Because as we all know:

you are the most vital character in your story!

 

Related articles:

Long distance during a pandemic

Common long distance relationship questions

Problems with a LDR 

Psychological effects of a LDR

Scholarly-

Comparing long distance and proximal relationships

Peace out, girl scouts!

… and always aim to be the best self you can be.