How to Stop Self-Destructive Behavior in Others
Do you think that you might be enabling self-destructive behavior in someone close to you? It’s time to cut that out. Let’s learn how we can help our coworkers, friends, and family grow!
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If you are looking for a sign to get out of bed, take a shower, walk outside, or a simple reminder that you are important: Here it is! This is your sign!
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How to Help Someone with Self-Destructive Behavior
To wrap up this series on self-sabotage, today we’re going to look at how to help someone with self destructive behavior. Often times, we are the ones enabling self-destructive behavior from our peers. When we do this, they lose their motivation to grow and divert away from self-sabotage.
We’re going to keep it short and sweet today. This will be our closeout article for this series! But, there are still some more self-sabotaging discussions we want to have. So, we will be touching back on this series in the future as well!
(Oh, and- Make sure you become our email friend by clicking here. This way, you can stay up to date throughout this series. We’ll let you know each time a new post is up and give you even more tips than these posts provide. Also, you’ll get first dibs on our freebies and products.)
Self destruction comes from a variety of things. They may choose negative self-talk, alcohol, fear or failure or even severe drug abuse. Those are just a few, quick examples. But, my point is that we need to be paying attention to our friend’s and families lives.
We should always be encouraging the people closest to us to be better! Regardless of how big or small we deem their self-destructive problem to be, if we can help- we need to.
How to Help Someone with Self Destructive Behavior
Typically, no form of enabling is good. It’s nearly always associated with something negative.
I mean, you can enable people to reach their dreams… but that’s not usually how this term is used.
When you negatively enable someone, you not only allow them to continue hurting your success and happiness.
You also limit their ability of ever getting better.
In true Becoming the Best Self form, we want everyone to do just that: become their best self. But, if we are enabling self-destructive behavior throughout those we are regularly involved with, we are helping them sabotage their lives.
Therefore, it’s important for us to, instead, step in and help them to stop the self destruction.
**We have to be careful, though.
Sometimes, we can begin sabotaging our own lives.
There’s a fine line we have to walk that floats on top of helping others, and investing too much energy into people that don’t want to change.
Here are 3 things not to do when trying to help someone with self destructive tendencies:
1. Don’t try to guilt them
Sometimes, our default is to do the whole, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t xyz.” But, that just doesn’t work.
This could actually do the exact opposite and cause the other person to become more self-destructive.
2. Don’t take it personal.
Listen, someone else being self destructive is not your fault.
As we’ve previously discussed, self-sabotaging behavior is due to trauma, mental illnesses, or just lack of self-confidence.
Regardless, it is not about you. This is about them.
3. Don’t become their therapist.
This is a job that you just, quite frankly, aren’t licensed to do and didn’t sign up for. (Unless you did… and well, you need to separate work and relationships.)
Friends aren’t made to be therapists. Yes, we’re made to support and listen. But, we’re not made to coach self-sabotagers through their problems and join the pity parties.
Here are 5 things to do when helping someone with self destructive behaviour:
1. Support them in getting the help they need.
Whether this means seeking a therapist or even medication, let them know that you are there for them.
Help them find resources to reach out to.
2. Actively avoid the self-destructive conversations.
You know when you’re in a conversation with someone that randomly talks about what they “don’t deserve”?
This is normally used as a way to justify self-isolation.
Here are some ways to change the conversation:
- “I don’t deserve good friends.”
- You respond, “I enjoy having you around and think you do deserve good friends, regardless of what you think.”
- “I am annoying.”
- You respond, “I find you very interesting.”
- “I’m so messed up.”
- You respond, “You are not messed up. Life has happened to you and there’s work to do, but you are normal.”
3. Set boundaries.
Since it is not your job to be their therapist, it is your job to set boundaries.
Remember: you are who you surround yourself with.
If you let their self-destructive habits linger around you, you are bound to begin participating in them as well.
So, instead of just dealing with it, set boundaries on what you can handle and when you are able to handle it.
For example, if you are not in the right mental space to deal with a cycle of self-sabotage, don’t.
You don’t have to entertain this behavior.
4. Know your place.
Sometimes, it’s just not your place to try to change someone.
Not everyone wants to be better. And, if they don’t, you can’t help them.
Now, if they are close friends or family to you, I recommend talking with them about any ways you could help them. (I.e. finding therapists, meditations, accountability, etc.)
But, if these are casual friends or acquaintances, ask yourself if it is your place to discuss this with them.
5. Understand that you can leave.
Lastly, know that you don’t have to stay in any relationship (of any sort) that you don’t want to be a part of.
Meaning, if their self-destructiveness is not changing and it’s taking too much of a toll on you, you are allowed to leave.
You are allowed to stop enabling the ones you love. For two reasons:
- Your mental health comes first. Always.
- By not enabling, you can push them into getting the help they need. (Even if it’s not immediate.)
Stop self-sabotaging behaviour in it’s tracks.
Not everyone is a habitual self-sabotager. But, I do think most people sabotage some part of their life at least once before they die.
So, take it easy on others. You never know what they’re going through.
Our only goal here is to do our best to motivate them to grow and develop.
If you found this post beneficial, or think it could be beneficial to your friends or family, make sure you share it to your social media or through texts and emails.
I always love hearing from you, so don’t be afraid to drop a comment below, email me, or reach out to me on Instagram. (Oh! Also, don’t forget to check out our new Facebook page. That’s also a great way to stay up to date with our posts.)
We are so excited to have you working on your self-growth as we start tackling our self-sabotaging behavior to strive for our best selves.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: How do I know if my friend is self-sabotaging their life?
There are many different forms of self-sabotage. Here are some examples of what to look for.
Q: What do I do if they won’t let me help?
You let them be. Like I said earlier, it’s not your job to fix people that don’t want to be fixed.
Q: Why do we self-sabotage?
Great question. Check out this post explaining why we self-sabotage and how to stop.
Q: Am I self-sabotaging?
First of all, whether you are or aren’t kudos to you for asking. It takes a lot of guts to look in the mirror. If you want to dive deeper into this self discovery, read these three self-sabotaging signs to look for.
As always, if you need a sign to take care of yourself: this is it.
Stop enabling this behavior.
Set boundaries.
Don’t take things personal.
Because as we all know:
you are the most vital character in your story!
Related articles:
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What is self-sabotage
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HOW TO HELP
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Self-sabotaging signs to look for
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Examples of self-sabotaging behavior
Peace out, girl scouts!
… and always aim to be the best self you can be.
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